Veterans: If You Want to be Reminded of Life on an
Aircraft Carrier
The first thing to do is fix yourself a big mug of warm
water, into which
you've stirred on tablespoon of diesel oil and one teaspoon of salt. Drink
quickly while on the run . . . THEN:
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep.
She should shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong
rack."
Mix a little JP5 (jet fuel) with the water in your humidifier and set it on
high.
Buy a small private plane and practice takeoffs and landings on your roof.
Have your wife and kids stand in the back yard to guide you. When landing,
wife should say "Call the Ball". If it appears that a crash is
possible, the kids should
"wave you off" with a red shirt.
Important! Don't forget to stretch a wire cloth's line across the roof and
attach a large hook from Home Depot to the tail of the plane.
When in the air with your plane, practice combat maneuvers by dog-fighting with
pigeons and shooting at them with a rifle. Drop road flairs on neighbors'
houses to see if you can hit the target.
Buy a painter's jump suit (to be used as a flight suit), and stuff the pockets
with 100 pounds of emergency equipment like a parachute, flashlight, gun, maps,
food, water, knife, brown paint, and rat poison (to be consumed if captured by
police).
Leave the lawn mower running in your living room.
Every few days, throw the dog in the pool and shout "man overboard,
starboard side."
Run into the house and sweep all the pots and
dishes off the counter. Yell at wife and kids for not having the kitchen
"stowed for sea."
Once a month, take every appliance apart, inspect them, and put them back together again.
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub,
move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you
shut off the water while you soap down.
General Quarters Drill:
Set your alarm clock to ring at random times during the night, jump up and get
dressed as fast as you can, making sure you button up the top button on your
shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and
uncoil the garden hose.
Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
Invite 5,000 neighbors to your house and visit for six months.
When there is a thunder storm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock
as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale
crackers in your pocket.
Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of
the night. Have family vote on which movie to watch and then show a
different one.
Get up every night about a quarter to midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread.
Chip and paint your car.
Write a letter to your wife and kids, but don't let them open it for at least 3
weeks. Then when they reply, you do the same.
Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, boil for two hours before
drinking.
Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage in
the other side of your bathtub. Take compacted trash, announce "Now
dump all trash and garbage off the fantail" and heave it over back fence.
Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries
the soot onto your neighbor's house and car. Ignore complaints.
Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry
and refrigerator.
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so
that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
Spray paint (preferably gray) all windows so that you have to go outside to see
daylight.
Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read
books.
Put on headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a
paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove.
Say, to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready." Stand
there for three or four hours and say, again to no one in particular,
"Stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place
them in a box.
